As a family law barrister, I meet many divorcing spouses, and, at The Divorce Surgery, we have the privilege of advising separating couples together. So ‘divorcing well’ has become a bit of a USP.
But, you may reasonably ask, why bother? If you’re going your separate ways, does ‘divorcing well’ actually matter? In short, yes. And more than you may realise. A good divorce doesn’t mean you have to ‘consciously uncouple’. It’s perfectly normal to find each other deeply irritating, for things to be tense, awkward and emotional, and to disagree, sometimes fundamentally, about how your finances should be divided. But the way you divorce will impact three things which matter to every divorcing couple: how long the process takes, how much it costs and how much stress you have to endure.
So if you want to navigate divorce quickly, for less cost and stress, here are some tips:
Check your mindset: Divorce is NOT a failure
If you told someone you expected them to live in the same house for 60 years, or stay in the same job, or wear the same style of clothes, you’d sound ridiculous. And yet as a society we still view the ‘gold standard’ as staying in a marriage for your entire life. If you meet someone in your 20s and you’re still blissfully happy in your 50s and beyond, then brilliant. But if, during that time, you grow apart, that really is OK too. Divorce is a life change. It’s an acceptance that your marriage is no longer making you both happy, or fulfilling you both in the way you want it to. But it does not mean that the marriage was a mistake. Far from it. Unless you are extremely unlucky, you will have forged many happy memories over the years. Don’t let the ending contaminate everything which went before. Treat the divorce as a shared problem to navigate and overcome.
It's not divorce which causes harm to children, it’s exposure to parental conflict
If you have children, know that research consistently shows that it’s not divorce itself which causes long-term emotional harm to children; it’s the exposure to parental conflict. That can come from a bad divorce, yes, but also from a deeply unhappy marriage. So, counter- intuitively, divorce could in fact be the best thing for your family. And it’s an opportunity to model for your children how to end a relationship well. If you, together with your spouse, refuse to make a drama out of it, you’ll suck the oxygen out of anyone else who tries. Your friendship group does not need to be fractured. The school gates do not need to become a Cold Front. And a great way to start is to share a lawyer. Because then you have a ready-made narrative to dial down the drama: ‘We’re actually sharing a lawyer and working out what’s fair together. We’re not picking sides – so you don’t have to either.’
Embrace Support
You will need legal advice, but please also be open to accessing emotional support, and also professional co-parenting support. When it comes to good divorce, you do need guidance at the right time. Whereas your parenting instincts may have been A1 until now, divorce can set you off kilter. Don’t be harsh on yourself. A big life change, like a divorce, is not a time for your ‘best self’ to come out- don’t expect it to. You will be dealing with many conflicting emotions, and it will be difficult. Just be open to the idea that it may be helpful to get some professional input on the therapeutic and co-parenting side. Targeted support at the right time will save you money in the long run, because those issues won’t then infect the legal process, and rack up costs.
Set a Divorce Budget
Divorce is a project. Approach it as one. If you were renovating your house, you’d carefully work out the total likely cost before you began. You can (and should) do the same with divorce. Go through your finances together and work out a proportionate and sensible amount to spend on the legal process. Then, when you start to meet lawyers, tell them. Don’t accept hourly rates as the only option. Many, many law firms now offer fixed fees (at The Divorce Surgery, it’s all we do) because divorcing couples have simply had enough of being unable to pin down costs. A huge stressor on divorce, particularly when you each have separate solicitors, is the feeling that costs are running out of control. If you fix the fees, that’s one major variable eradicated.
Don’t judge your future relationship when you’re figuring out the finances
It’s NORMAL not to agree what’s going to be a fair financial deal for you both, and it is unbelievably all-consuming to be anxious about money. For most, there is no headspace to navigate your emotions because you are frantic about the financial consequences. Where will we live? Can we afford this? Do we both need to go back to work? What about childcare? Are school fees affordable? Do we have enough pension? It’s impossible to think rationally or talk about your feelings with those sorts of major financial anxieties weighing down on you. So, don’t. All you need to agree about is how you’re going to find out what’s legally fair. Increasingly that means instructing a shared lawyer. Because the sooner you find out, impartially and together, what’s fair, the sooner you can move on.
Then, when the finances are sorted, you can reflect. You’ll both be in a much better headspace knowing what your financial futures hold. This can unburden couples so that they can talk about the emotional side, their co-parenting aims, their reflections on the legacy of their marriage.
Kinder divorce is possible
I’m often asked what is my definition of a good divorce? In my mind, it’s divorcing how we’d want to, without social expectations or stigma weighing us down. It’s working together, co-operatively, to agree an outcome which no-one expected upon marriage but which has not been made unnecessarily frightening by runaway costs or misplaced hostility. Most fundamentally, it’s reaching a solution which is fair to you both, and to your family as a whole. Retaining the good memories, shedding the bad ones, and allowing each other to have new adventures apart.
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