All's Fair - family law on screen and in practice

There is clearly something compelling about watching extremely glamorous people unabashedly going into battle. When that battle is personal and involves an intrusive look into family life it's usually a recipe for success in TV rating terms – which is why I am sure Hulu's new show All's Fair (with its star studded cast and punchy trailer) will draw significant audiences. It portrays the world of family law as stylish and thrilling, with high stakes, high drama and high finance.

Being a family lawyer can involve some glamour, certainly a fair bit of drama and often complex and significant finances, but revenge? Not really. It's fair to say I have never said the words 'get mad, get hot, get revenge' (a great line by Glenn Close's character in the All's Fair trailer). In my experience a good family lawyer is looking for an elegant disengagement – a fair and civil outcome that allows ex's to continue with their lives separately but relatively unscathed. The idea of a 'winner' when it comes to family breakdown is counterproductive and likely to result in longer term issues, particularly for any children.

Family lawyers have to master a multitude of skills – legal knowledge and strategy are obviously essential, but we must also understand how a wide variety of different families operate both financially and emotionally. We need to know how to instil confidence and encourage confidences so we can best understand our clients, and their priorities and values, so as to achieve an outcome that works for them. Fundamentally it is a job about understanding people and securing the best results for them.

When talking to clients at the initial stage of their separation, I encourage them to get the support they need and to let the dust settle. Unless there is a degree of urgency – for example for their or their children's safety, or where they have been left without financial support, or if there are potentially competing jurisdictions at play – it is often best to take a breath and focus on their emotional recovery first, before taking any action.

My top tips for how best to survive a separation process (and thrive, if at all possible) are:

 Get the support you need emotionally and mentally – family and friends can be invaluable, but it can be easier to speak more freely and learn more about yourself if you have the support of an impartial therapist, coach or counsellor. When you are well supported emotionally you will likely make better decisions.

 When engaging with your ex don't feel the need to react immediately – take your time and try to send short civil responses (always think before pressing send – a Court may end up seeing this message).

 Think carefully about who you want to work with – take your time choosing the right lawyer, it is an important relationship and should be with someone you trust and whose approach aligns with yours.

 Think about your priorities for your separation – what are you hoping to achieve and what matters most to you?

 Don't take any premature irreversible steps if you don't have to – your emotions will likely be driving decisions,

 Focussing on being right (or in the right) or wanting revenge or to 'win' are objectives that you may think will be satisfying but, in reality, often aren't.

 When there are children involved, it can be helpful to see the other parent like a co-worker: one you may not wish to work with, but you have to. One thing you and your ex will continue to have in common is love for your children.

 Focus on what you want for the future, rather than what you think your ex has done wrong in the past. 

One of the most difficult elements of family separation is that so many of the practical implications are interlinked and it can be overwhelming to work out where to start. Most people are keen to physically separate, but it can be hard to know whether to move out, and if so where to, how to fund it and crucially, if applicable, when and how you can spend time with the children. There are so many decisions to make at a time in your life when thinking clearly can seem impossible.

Add to that the fact that divorcing couples often have a family life that involves a great deal of admin (whether it is managing high pressure careers, looking after children, elderly parents, pets or all of the above) and most people have very little time. Instructing lawyers can help to deliver a degree of calm, control, and a sense of sharing that significant burden. A good lawyer will help you break things down into a series of manageable decisions and help you navigate a way through.

Allowing the temperature to lower really helps people to make constructive decisions. Obtaining advice to better understand your legal position can help to allay fear and uncertainty, and once people start to feel calmer, they can take in the information they need to move forward. Once you are feeling more sure about the future then beginning to gather information is likely to help, for example, looking at historic family expenditure to start to think about what is a reasonable budget going forward, or looking at online housing particulars to think about where you would live if you decide to sell the home or transfer it to one of you. Beginning to look at the future can be a positive and helpful experience, for many it is the start of feeling empowered and ready for the next chapter of life.

So, admittedly not as audience pleasing, but rather than 'get mad, get hot, get revenge' I would advise 'get support, get informed, get thinking'. 

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